When my wife could not be home when the school bus delivered our

sons from elementary school, I always tried to be there.

But when my boys walked in, never did they say, "Wow, dad, we're glad you are here." No, they always asked, "Where's mom?"

For three decades successful competing in the market place not successful rearing of children has been imaged the chic and fashionable woman.

Worse--the role of the homemaking mother has been scorned as hollow drudgery without meaning, a life that precludes women from achieving their potential.

Just how pounding a computer keyboard is more fulfilling than watching a child take its first step is unclear.

So mothers have entered the work force. Business has benefited. Women's self-esteem may have surged. But children keep asking, "Where's mom?"

The culture rationalized mom's absence with three alibis: day care, quality time and gender neutral parenting.

I admire day care workers. But day care is no substitute for mother nurturing. Day care cannot give small children the one-on-one care, cuddling and stimulation they require.

As a result, a child may develop a sense of homelessness. For homelessness is not just the experience of street people. Homelessness is a life-long feeling resulting from an early absence of and lack of attachment to parents.

Research shows that children placed as infants in day care are harder to discipline and have poorer work habits and peer relationships than children who are reared at home.

Surrogate child care does not suffice. A child needs its mother.

Until recently, society seemed convinced that no incompatibility exists between mom's career and childrearing. But we are learning this is the fantasy of a generation that wants to have its cake and eat it too.

The serious consequences of mothers' absence with children is veiled under the cute expression "quality time."

But quality time is paltry time. After spending eight hours at work, two hours in traffic and after a meal and dish and clothes washing, the time remaining is hardly "quality."

Besides, a child's physical, intellectual and emotional time frame cannot be correlated to a mother's work agenda. You cannot nurture a tired, sleepy child because it is now "quality time."

Conscience training of children is the most urgent task of this society. Such training cannot be microwaved with brief lectures on "values." Constant supervision is demanded. Observing and correcting behavior is required. Character modeling by parents is mandatory. Brief episodes of "quality time" won't do it.

The third alibi is that mothering can be delegated to dad. But this current pop dogma of gender-neutral parenting is a fiasco. Mothering and fathering are not interchangeable parts. A child needs both a warm, accepting, loving, feminine mother and a strong, challenging, loving masculine dad. A child does not need a "Mr. Mom." A child needs a father.

What is so critical is that mom is needed far more today than when she joined the work force. Authorities repeatedly warn that children are worse off now than they were in the 1960s.

One reason is the culture is no longer child-friendly. To the contrary, the culture threatens the physical, emotional and moral well being of children. So, "Where's mom?"

Research reveals that the chief determinant of drinking or drug use by junior high kids is how long they are left alone.

Adolescent boys of working mothers initiate sexual activity at younger ages than boys with at home mothers.

The evidence is clear. Children fare better when their mothers are at home. That is fact.

Of course, many mothers cannot stay at home. They have to work. Many try valiantly to compensate for their absence. That is fact.

Many mothers work because they believe career produces self-fulfillment or because they desire financial independence or a more moneyed family life-style. That is fact.

But what is not fact is that for a young child to spend most of its waking hours motherless is benign or even beneficial. That is false.

Yale University's Edward Zigler says: "The most important family value is: When a woman has a baby, let her stay home to bond properly with the child. That determines the child's future."

No one has to have a child. But if they decide to have one, both father and mother are obligated to make whatever sacrifice required to see that the child is not denied the life essential blessing of having the love, nurture, physical care and emotional feeding of its own mother.